I miss me when I’m gone

Ever feel like you are in a funk but everything is going relatively well? Like you’re stuck in your head or habit, not uncomfortable but not thriving, excited or passionate about life. I was in that space this week, just worn out, and uninspired. So many things jingling around in my mind, some of which I forgot almost before I recognized the thought.

Too much coffee, not enough action. Lists in my head, about lists in my head. Books to read, things to do, projects to begin and some to complete. I got mildly distracted for a few days learning about a concept I hadn’t heard of before, (Human Design), and although it was validating on many levels, It also presented many questions that I’m sure had a good laugh at my expense. Yes, the questions were laughing, almost audibly.

My addiction to contemplation of the human condition and the drive that takes hold when I don’t yet understand something can be debilitating. Realizing full well that the act of research and discovery is really the thing that inspires me and keeps me in a manic and overwhelmingly curious state, I discarded other responsibilities to sort through this new idea, all the while making my lists of incomplete lists in the remaining corner of my mind (and raising a family of six). Conflict within, creativity versus responsibility.

When all is said and done, although it’s never done, I have very little to show for my time and yet my energy is depleted, leaving me frustrated and unfulfilled. So, nothing is wrong and I’m in a funk.

Being an extremely introverted and self reflective woman, I know what I bring to the table and am quite content to eat alone, said some amazing human who I can relate to deeply. However, I have a family of six and that is not usually an option. I had to remind myself that self care is a big part of living successfully, in harmony with the world around me. Taking time to recharge before I am no longer capable of brushing my teeth before I listlessly fall into my bed at the end of a long arduous day.

Counterintuitively, perhaps to some, I popped in my headphones and set out to walk my meditation through my new neighborhood, and get my mind and body realigned so that my soul could take a breath from the stifling activity of meaningless routine that a mother of four can easily slip into. My girls scoffed and bid me farewell, remarking that I “would not be seeing much inspiration or nature around here”, as I wordlessly closed the door and turned up the volume.

I decided that I would play with my “Human Design type” of manifestor, and “manifest” a feather, and I would do my best to enjoy my Meditation quietly, not moving my body as I would in the privacy of our last home amongst 60 acres, not using my voice loudly to release energy trapped inside. It was difficult. I was holding back the whole time. Until I stumbled upon a school yard, unoccupied for the summer.

I slipped off my shoes and dug into the earth with my bare toes. I raised my arms and sang out loud. I even danced a bit and laughed as I felt the sun rejuvenate me from the outside into my depleted soul. And before I could bother looking around to be sure I was alone, I was lost again in the ecstasy of inner peace and emptiness. The good kind of emptiness, fueled by emotion and empowerment to be what I am and do what I was made to do. Express my energy and recycle it through my body into the earth and back into my body in a rejuvenated form of, ah, I’m ok now. I’m back.

And then, the feather. Laying alone on the top of the field surrounded by nothing but clover and dandelions, the feather that said, all you have to do is be who you are, take care of you, and what you need will come to you.

As far as Human Design goes, it’s not a science or a religion, not astrology or enneagram system. But it does seem to present an interesting perspective on understanding the personalities and capabilities of each individual as a powerful being in their own special way. If we are functioning in a way that is not our design, we may have more resistance to our desires and aspirations.

It’s not a new idea to know yourself above all else. And certainly knowing when it’s time to care for yourself should be a priority for all of us. Especially us women who wear several hats at one time, and really just want to take off all the hats and feel the playfulness of our hair dance around our face in the breeze of a life lived in harmony.

I really do miss me when I’m gone.

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche


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