Blooming

One of my favorite movie quotes is Goldie Hawn in overboard when she says, “See how I know me?”! Do you know you? Do others know you? The true you? Do you take care of your true being?

As a mother of four high energy kids and an unpredictable husband, my needs, wants and even self care usually are addressed last, if at all, and often are overlooked all together.  But to be fair to my family, the habit of neglecting myself was established long before I was “Mom”.  Even as a child I compromised my authenticity to maintain my need for attachment. I desperately wanted to belong, to be accepted and loved and taken care of, so my story continued to bring me opportunities to be authentic, but my choices often protected my desire for attachment, even unhealthy attachment. I was constantly justifying my poor choices with my rational mind, suppressing my anger, ignoring my soul and in the process developing illness in my body brought on by extreme stress; I was in constant conflict with myself.

My physical circumstances were at times horrific,  and my emotional state was in constant turmoil, but the inability or unwillingness to process the truth, the pain of it, being gaslighted or told to handle it like a good little Christian made my body begin to reject itself. My immune system began to mirror my emotional system, creating more and more opportunities to be a victim of my own mind and insecurities.  I thought being selfless was how women were to be, religious ideas created my identity and I unknowingly diminished my infinite value.  Although subconsciously, and physically, I was dying, I was sabotaging my own peace and health, for a false sense of security in following the rules that had been laid out in front of me by the same people that might gain from my discomfort, whether they were aware of it or not.

What if I could have a respectful relationship with my children and spouse, my friends and extended family without jeopardizing my health? What if duty, role and responsibility could be maintained while prioritizing my own needs as a valuable authentic being? Could I allow myself to potentially create disruption and conflict by being real? By addressing who I really am and what I really desire, am I willing to risk loosing attachments that will not accept me as I am, without being intimidated into being who others want me to be? Am I willing to be vulnerable and maintain boundaries simultaneously without fear of rejection?

The pain of cognitive dissonance can be crippling and yet there is that glimmer of excitement that begins in my gut and awakens my spirit. As though my soul is finally being recognized and appreciated and acknowledged as the strong beautiful creative being that it is.  The infinite me that cries, “you found me!”, and then, “trust me”.  And as I dive deeper and deeper into this vast soul of wisdom and knowing and love and nonjudgment, I find myself in awe of the painful beliefs that I have allowed to shape my story.  One by one they fall off of me in a heap, revealing more of who I truly am and encouraging me to align my mind to my authentic self, my sweet, powerful soul; my connection to the divine. Will I  allow my body the reprieve it is begging for?

For some this may seem ridiculous and obvious, for others it may trigger fear. Looking at underlying motives that we are unaware of sometimes can speak to us about what we hang on to, even when it’s killing us. From unhealthy relationships to substance abuse to compulsive behaviors, addiction only serves to placate the mind momentarily and keep the ego distracted from the strong pull of the soul. What are we hiding from? Why do we choose bondage over freedom, Fear over self discovery? Attachment over authenticity?

Although it may be a painful awakening, the truth of you is more glorious a reward than any false existence or suppressed identity.  Your soul is the reason you are here, listen to it before your body begins to force you to make a choice between the story in your mind and the truth of your soul.

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