When I began questioning my long held religious beliefs, I was led through a series of small internal tornados. I was then emotionally filleted and mentally stretched, physically exhausted and spiritually fatigued. From extreme highs and understanding to intense lows and major confusion, I was regularly vacillating between a sense of knowing and mind warping new territory as new revelation transformed my restricted thinking.
My religious upbringing was uneventful, and based on “the Bible tells me so”. Even though I had been emmersed in the church for years, I allowed others to interpret scripture for me and I nonchalantly took it on as my own, though my life looked far from spiritually enlightened. Things started changing for me when I took on the responsibility of seeking out my own relationship and understanding of the Christian religion. As I moved away from religious tradition, I experienced supernatural healing and received prophetic blessings. I began feeling and seeing energy in my body and in other people. I experienced an emotional high that would keep me laughing and crying for weeks on end, functioning out of complete joy and utter surrender to the Spirit. I spent hours a day engaged in song and dance and praise in solitude on a hidden patch of sand at the end of a quiet beach, consumed by the ripples and waves that seemed to flirt with my feet as I marveled at how I could feel so connected with the Spirit after so many decades of disconnectedness.
Serendipitous events followed me everywhere I went, and confirmations of favor and blessing were everywhere I looked, even through severe personal trials. Eventually I was faced with discrepancies in doctrine and became aware of how mainstream Christianity actually saw humanity. How the Bible is understood and how most people view god, heaven and hell, and the purpose of our existence. As I asked myself questions and saw the ridiculousness in my established world view, I realized that I didn’t even believe in what I said I did. As I sought out more information, I was awestruck at the absurdity of my arrogant conclusions. Between the translation errors in the Bible and the many gnostic texts we have available; the mythological, scientific and astrotheological “coincidences” and the heaps of historical evidence to point us toward love and inclusion, I had allowed cognitive dissonance to dim my looking glass while convincing myself that I was holding the truth. The only truth.
As I continue to seek truth and awareness, my only conclusion is that I cannot know God without knowing myself; and I am a reflection of the Divine. I still love the holy scriptures of every religion as there is truth in it all; the poetic allegory in the Jewish scriptures and our identity and purpose laced parabolically throughout the gospels. I am raptured by the mystic poets and fascinated by the ancient philosophers. I am amazed by the signs in the stars and the energy of the natural world that brings me closer to my soul.
As I may have journeyed lifetimes in a few short years, the decade behind me was revealing and impactful in more ways than I can recount. However as I was eager to throw the baby out with the bath water, I am now discovering the golden thread that weaves the revelation of truth throughout history and cultural stories of creation, meaning and the human condition. The beauty of it all, is that our spiritual journey does not reach a destination, but rather continues to expand and become, just as our universe does; and allowing ourselves to open like a flower waking up to the sun, we needn’t rush to conclusions. We simply bask in the glory of each new day, enjoying the visitors that commune in our hearts to teach us the complexity of our souls and our bodies in language that is too difficult to put into words. Allow the Spirit to guide you into all truth, you might be surprised by what you find.